This is an answering machine message for a school.
The outgoing message:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work – Press 2
To complain about what we do – Press 3
To swear at staff members – Press 4
To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you – Press 5
If you want us to raise your child – Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7
To request another teacher, for the third time this year – Press 8
To complain about bus transportation – Press 9
To complain about school lunches – Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
TOP TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED...
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.
A Paki, Bangladeshi and a Sardar are in a bar one night having a beer.
The Paki drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air,
pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says "In Islamabad our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to
drink from the same one twice. "
bollo tara ra ra.....
The Bangladeshi [obviously impressed by this] drinks his beer, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to
pieces.
He says "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we
don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either. "
The Sardar, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Paki and
Bangladeshi.
He says "In Delhi we have so many Paki and Bangladeshi that, we don't
need to drink with the same ones twice ."
JAI HIND
Once , Atal Bihari Vajpayee goes to meet Sonia Gandhi .
Vajpayee gives a lotus to Sonia Gandhi. In return he gets a slap .
So vajpayee asks her , 'Wht did you slap me ?'
So she replies , 'You gave me the symbol of your party - BJP ( Lotus ) and in return I gave you the symbol of my party - Congress ( Hand ).
Here are some Bush jokes for your pleasure:
The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the
attack on the Pentagon:
" I'm sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big tragedy. But in case
you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies
of everything."
Now heres another:
Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:
Musharraf: Mr. President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It
is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs... I would like to
ensure that we had nothin! g in connection with that........
Bush: What Tragedy ? What buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
Bush: It's eight in the morning.
Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!
And Finally:
Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"
The barman says "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Hello,
what are you guys doing?"
Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one
bicycle repairman."
And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"
Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you, no-one would worry about
the 14 million Pakistanis!"
Joke No. 11
There are three houses. One is blue, one is red, and one is white. The red house is on the left. The blue is on the right. Where's the white house?
In Washington D.C.!
Joke No. 12
How many elephants can you fit into a little pink car?
5...2 in the front, 2 in the back and 1 in the trunk.
How do you know an elephant has been in the fridge?
There is a footprint in the butter.
How do you know 2 elephants have been in the fridge?
There are 2 footprints in the butter.
How do you know 3 elephants have been in the fridge?
There are 3 footprints in the butter.
How do you know 4 elephants have been in the fridge?
There are 4 footprints in the butter.
How do you know 5 elephants have been in the fridge?
There is a little pink car out front.
Joke No. 13
Camp Counselor: How did you get that horrible swelling on your nose?
Camper: I bent over to smell a brose.
Camp Counselor: There's no b in rose!
Camper: There was in this one
Joke No. 14
There were two people robbing an apartment. The first one said, "I hear the owner coming! Quick, jump out the window!" The second one said, "Are you crazy? We're on the thirteenth floor!" The first one said, "This is no time to be superstitious!"
Joke No. 15
A chicken walks into a book store and says, "Book book book book book book." The person at the desk hands a book to the chicken and the chicken walks out. The next day the chicken walks into the book store again and says, "Book book book book book book." The person at the desk hands a book to the chicken and the chicken walks out. The same thing happens over and over and over through the week. The person at the desk starts to wonder what the chicken is doing with the books and he finally decides to follow the chicken next time. The next day the chicken walks into the store and says, "Book book book book book book." The guy behind the desk hands the chicken a book and the chicken walks out. The man follows the chicken into a forest with a long twisty path, after walking for a while the man comes to a pond and he sees the chicken and a frog. The chicken drops the book and says, "Book book book book book book." Then the frog says, "Read it, read it."
Joke No. 16
There was a man that was sitting in a recliner on the 1st floor of his house. It started to flood. 1 hour later a boat came and said "c'mon get in!" The man said "no, I have faith in God...he'll save me!", so the boat left.
2 hours later he was forced to move to the 2nd floor. Another rescue boat came and said "c'mon get in". Again the man said "no, I have faith in God...he'll save me!"
3 hours later he was forced to move up on the roof. A helicopter came and said "c'mon get in". Again the man said "no, I have faith in God...he'll save me." 4 hours later he died and went to heaven and he asked St. Peter why God didn't save him. St. Peter said "He tried! He sent you 2 rescue boats and a helicopter!!!!"
Joke No. 17
Michael comes back from school and says to his mom, "Mom, my teacher is interested in our family. At recess time, he asked me if I had any brothers or sisters and I told him that I didn't." "And what did he say?", asked his mother. He said, "Thank You God!"
Joke No. 18
Three guys were stranded on an island. One day, a magic lamp washed ashore. A magic genie popped out. He said "I'll give each of you one wish."
The 1st man said "I want to go back home"...he disappeared. The 2nd man said "I also want to go home"...he also disappeared. The third man looked around and felt lonely. He said "I want my 2 friends back to keep me company"!
Joke No. 19
Once there was a parrot and he swore like a sailor. He belonged to a goody-goody little old man. The old man said, "Parrot, if you don't stop swearing, I will put you in a box!" The parrot kept on swearing. So the little old man put him in a box. The parrot kicked the sides and scratched at the box until the old man took him out. The parrot kept on swearing. The little old man said, "If you don't stop swearing, I will put you in a cupboard!" The parrot kept right on swearing. So the little old man put the parrot in the cupboard. The parrot was kicking the walls and making a lot of racket until the little old man finally took him out. The parrot kept swearing so the little old man said, "If you keep swearing, I am going to put you in the freezer!" The parrot kept right on swearing so the little old man put him in the freezer. The bird was making quite a racket for about 5 minutes then it was all quiet. The Little Old Man was beginning to get scared, so he opened up the freezer. The bird quietly stepped out, his hands folded in front of him. He said, "I will be good as long as I live! By the way, what did the chicken do?"
Joke No. 20
A moron was in a canoe trying to paddle it through a field. An idiot drives up and says, "what are you doing?" The moron says, "I'm trying to paddle through the water but it doesn't seem to be working." The idiot says, "If I knew how to swim I'd come out there and slap you silly!"
What did the shaggy dog get when he multiplied 497 by 684?
The wrong answer!
Why does the letter A look like a flower?
Because a b(bee) always comes after it!
Why did the teacher marry the janitor?
Because he swept her off her feet!
What form of math discusses plant growth?
Geometry (Gee-I'm a Tree)!
When does a cart come before a horse?
In the dictionary!
What two letters of the alphabet contain nothing?
MT!
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils!
Why did the teacher write the lesson on the windows?
He wanted the lesson to be very clear!
Why did the teacher jump into the lake?
Because she wanted to test the waters!
What is the center of gravity?
The letter V!
What letter is found in a cup?
T!
How do you know if your teacher likes you?
She keeps putting X's on your paper!
When was The Great Depression?
Last week, when I got my report card!
Why did the class clown give a dog biscuit to Katie?
Because he heard she was the teacher's pet!
Science Teacher: Who can tell me what an atom is?
Student: The guy who went out with Eve!
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school?
Because they're all in High School!
What room can a student never enter?
A Mushroom!
What has 3 feet and no legs?
A yardstick!
What occurs 4 times in every week, 2 times in every month, & once in a year?
The letter E!
What do you get when you add 13 hospital patients to 13 hospital patients?
Twenty Sicks!
Who is your best friend at school?
Your princi-pal!
What has four eyes but can't see?
Mississippi!
How do you spell Hard Water with 3 letters?
ICE!
Why did the girl turn in her math book?
It had too many problems!
What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a day?
The letter M!
Is a hammer a good tool for math class?
No, you need multi-pliers!
Why did the Cyclops stop teaching?
Because he only had one pupil!
What starts with a T, ends with a T, and is full of T?
A teapot!
What is the study of back-to-school shopping?
Buy-ology!
What school do you greet people in?
Hi School!
How many letters are there in the alphabet?
25, because the Angel said Noel!
Why was the students report card all wet?
Because it was below C (sea) level!
Did you know that grasshoppers have antennae?
Cool, do they get cable?
My teacher blamed me for something I didn't do!
My homework!
What is the difference between me and you?
You is longer!
Why did the silly student bring his homework to the movies?
Because the teacher told him to date his paper!
Why was the book in the hospital?
Because it broke its spine!
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?
neither, they both weigh a ton! (submitted by T.T.)
"Railroad Crossing, watch for cars...How do you spell that without any R's?
THAT!
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8(ate) 9!
What two days of the week start with the letter "T"?
Today and Tomorrow!
How many seconds are there in a year?
12...2nd of January, 2nd of February...!
Why is it dangerous to put the letter "M" into the refrigerator?
Because it changes ice into Mice!
What is 5Q + 5Q?
10Q...You're Welcome!
What goes up and down but doesn't move?
The temperature!
What is the only class you can plant a flower in?
In Kindergarden!
What is in the middle of America and Australia?
The letter R!
What flies around the school at night?
The alpha-bat!
Why did the teacher bring crackers to her meeting?
Because it was a parrot-teacher conference!
Why did Tommy take a ruler to bed?
Because he wanted to see how long he slept!
Which candle burns longer, a red one or a green one?
Neither, they both burn shorter!
What is a teacher's three favorite words?
June, July & August!
Why does Mrs. Smith wear sunglasses in class?
Because her class is so bright!
What's the difference between a train & a teacher?
A train says choo-choo & a teacher says "Spit out your gum"!
What do you call a boy with a dictionary in his pocket?
Smarty Pants!
What starts with E, ends with E, and only has one letter in it?
An envelope!
Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic
Protuberance, The purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a
sample of Fluid Hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, The exact size of which
was unspecified.
One member of the team precipitously descended,sustaining severe damage To
The upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; Subsequently the
second member of the team performed a self-rotational Translation, oriented
in the same direction taken by the first team Member.
In simple English what does this translate to ????
Open Spoiler box for answer:
[spoil] Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after ! 
[/spoil]
A certain rich businessman had a beautiful daughter, who fell in
love with a guy who was a cleaner.
When the girl's father came to know about their love, he did not
like it at all, and so began to protest about it.
Now it happened that the two lovers decided to leave their homes
for a happy future. The girl's father started searching for the two
lovers but could not find them.
At last, he accepted their love and asked them to come back home in
a local newspaper. Her father said "If you both come back I will
allow you to marry the guy you love, I accept that you loved each
othertruly."
So in this way, their love won and they returned home.
The couple went t o town to shop for the wedding dress. He was
dressed in white shirt that day. While he was crossing the road to the
other side to get some drinks for his wife, a car came and hit him and he died
on the spot. The girl lost her senses. It was only after sometimes that
she recovered from her shock. The funeral and cremation was the very
next day because he had died horribly.
Two nights later, the girl's mother had a dream in which she saw an
old lady. The old lady asked her mother to wash the blood stains of the
guy from her daughter's dress as soon as possible. But her mother
ignored the dream.
The next night her father had the same dream, he also ignored it.
Then when the girl had the same dream the next night, she woke up in
fear and told her mother about the dream. Her mother asked her to wash
the clothes which have blood stains immediately.
she washed t he stains but some remained. Next night she again had
the same dream she again washed the stains but some still remained.
Next night she again had the same dream and this time the old lady
gave her a last warning to wash the blood stain, or else something
terrible will happen. This time the girl tried her best to wash the
stains, and the clothes nearly tore, but some stains still remained.
She was very tired.
In the late evening the same day while she was alone at home,
someone knocked the door. When she opened the door she saw the same old
lady of her dream standing at her door. She got very scared and fainted.
The old lady woke her up... and gave her a blue object, which
shocked the girl. She asked "What is this...?"
The old lady replied...
"Try Surf Excel Washing powder... just a dab and it will remove all
stubborn stains!!!" .
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said,
"That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will
flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most
Beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The
frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And
he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay,
because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like
a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story:
Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you.
Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story:
Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show
that women never listen!!!
Email from a customer to tech support :
I've bought a stolen CDD3610 which didn't come with any software or cables. Could you please send that to me? I presume I do have the full 12 months warranty?
My friend and I were walking to school one day when this guy tried to impress us with his computer knowledge. He launched into this big discussion about how he wrote all these cool programs for nuking people on IRC and that sort of thing. I had a feeling he was lying, so I asked him, "What language did you write them in?" His reply was, "English, of course."
* Customer: "Hi, I recently bought a computer, and I seem to be having problems."
* Tech Support: "What type of problems?"
* Customer: "Nothing seems to be working at all."
* Tech Support: "Hmmm, what kind of computer is it?"
* Customer: "[brand]."
* Tech Support: "Actually, we don't sell that brand of computer here."
* Customer: "I know, I bought it from a friend of mine."
* Tech Support: "May I ask why you are calling us for support?"
* Customer: "Aren't you a computer store?"
* Tech Support: "Yes."
* Customer: "Well, I was in there yesterday."
* Tech Support: "And you bought something from us?"
* Customer: "No, but you sell computers so you should fix them."
* Tech Support: "Did we sell your computer to you?"
* Customer: "No."
* Tech Support: "Did we sell anything to you?"
* Customer: "No."
* Tech Support: "Why should we be supporting something we didn't sell you?"
* Customer: "Well, who should I be calling?"
* Tech Support: "Probably your friend, or the manufacturer of the computer."
* Customer: "You are not very much help, you know."
* Tech Support: "I am sorry but there is not much I can do for you, unless you would like to bring the computer in and pay a fee for fixing it."
* Customer: "Why should I have to pay for you to work on my computer?"
* Tech Support: "Sir, I am hanging up now."
Me and a friend live in a small student hall of residence where we have gained a reputation for helping people sort out their computer problems. Last year a fresher electrical engineer upgraded his motherboard and CPU. He came down to dinner that evening and complained that his computer kept freezing up shortly after booting. We offered to take a look at it for him, but he insisted that he and his roommate could sort it out themselves. A week later the problem was still there, but his roommate had 'found out' that it was a problem with the sound card, so they were going to buy a new one the next day. I asked if I could just take a look at it before they bought it.
* Me: "What's that noise?"
* Him: "Oh, that's the CPU fan."
* Me: "It shouldn't be vibrating like that."
* Him: "It's fine."
* Me: "No, it should be flush against the CPU and fixed firmly in place."
* Him: "Don't worry. It's fine."
After much persuasion, I got him to remove the case.
* Me: "The fan's being held on by an elastic band!?!?"
* Him: "Yeah, the arm things snapped off when I was putting it back on."
* Me: (as the rubber band starts to smolder): "Do you have ANY IDEA how hot a Pentium II gets??"
* Him: "Look, the computer's frozen again. Can't wait to get that new sound card."
It turned out he had tried to fit the fan on upside down. The fact that the arms only bent the other way didn't deter him, even when they snapped off. Of course the problem was a simple case of the CPU overheating. Now every time I now see him holding a screwdriver with a look of purpose on his face I want to run screaming.
Two friends and I were standing around one day. One of them was fiddling around with his computer,playing a game. He recommended the game to us. But my other friend said that he couldn't install it, because installing it would take up all of his memory, and he'd need to get a new computer.
* Me: "What?"
* Friend: "It would take up all of my memory."
* Me: "Do you mean hard drive space? It won't take up any of your memory to install it."
* Friend: "Yeah it would. I only have three gigabytes left."
* Me: "Oh. You mean drive space. But three gigabytes is plenty of room."
* Friend: "But it'll take it all up!"
* Me: "Trust me. If it comes on one CD, it won't take up all of your drive space."
Several hours later, I overheard him having a conversation with his roommate. This conversation containedthe phrase, "I'd get it, but if I installed it it would take up all of my memory, and I'd have to get a new computer." I just closed my eyes and sighed.
One of the best ....
[spoil] * Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."
* Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"
* Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."
* Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?"
* Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either."
* Tech Support: "You did what sir?"
* Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."
* Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"
* Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."
* Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"
At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.
* Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?"
* Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
* Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?"
Silence.
* Tech Support: "Sir?"
* Customer: "Yes."
* Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
* Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?"
* Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"
* Customer: "Ummmm."
* Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?"
* Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"
* Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day." [/spoil]
Stupider than the rest
[spoil]
"On two occasions, I have been asked [by members of Parliament], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."
-- Charles Babbage (1791-1871)[/spoil]
Smart Sardarji:
A Sardarji and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The American asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The Sardarji, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."
Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep.
The American, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5,and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the Sardarji's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
The American asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The Sardarji doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet,pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the American.
"Okay," says the American, "your turn".
He asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The American, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer & searches all his preferences........no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress... no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the Sardarji and hands him $500.
The Sardarji thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The American, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardarji and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the Sardarji reaches into his purse,hands the american $5,and goes back to sleep.
Smuggling Sardarji:
A sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard Iqbal stops him and says, 'What's in the bags?' 'Sand,' answered the Sardarji.
Iqbal says, 'We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.'
Iqbal's guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the sardarji all night and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the sardaji, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the sardarji's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, 'What have you got?' 'Sand,' says the Sardarji.
Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Sardar, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.
Finally, the Sardarji doesn't show up one day and the guard, Iqbal, meets him in a 'Dhaba' in Islamabad.
'Hey, Buddy,' says Iqbal, 'I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?'
The Sardaji, sips his Lassi and says, 'Bikes'
Race to the Sun:
Two Sardarjis, both student of I.I.T, Kanpur, were talking about the American Astronauts.
One said to the other, "What's the big deal about going to the moon-anybody can go to the moon. We are sardars we will go direct to the sun."
"But if we get within 13 million miles from the sun, we'll melt."
And the first answered, "So what, we'll go at night."
Sardar’s Reaction to train
A Sardar,who had never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the rail tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. Fortunately he gets some minor injuries. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party one evening. While in the
kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a iron rod from the nearby shelf and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, rushes into the kitchen,sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why did you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The sardar replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
Sardar went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to SARDARs," he replied. He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned to tell the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman replied. "Damn, he recognized me," he thought. he went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before he again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied. Frustrated, he exclaimed "How do you know I'm a Sardar?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.
Two fast friends, Santa Singh and Banta Singh, were great cricket fanatics.
They decided that whoever dies first will try to come back in the dreams of the other, and tell the other about the cricket scenario in the heaven.
Santa Singh dies first. One day as Banta was fast sleep, he heard Santa calling him. He was very happy and was eager to know about cricket there.
"So, Santa! How is cricket in heaven?"
Santa replied, "Hey Banta, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that tomorrow we are going to have a day & night tournament here in heaven.
And the bad news is that you are the opening bowler for tomorrow's match!"
An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test a lie detector . The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Ok", he says, "10 bottles". And the machine is silent. The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "All right, 8 hamburgers". And the machine's silent. The Sardarji says: "I think...", BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.
A Sardarji goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead. The manager comes running and asks him, "Prahji, aap kya kar rahe ho?" To this the Sardar replies, "Oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai, 'Wash Basin' ".
Jugnu Singh got up in the middle of the night to answer the telephone.
"Is this one one one one?", says the voice.
"No, this is eleven eleven."
"Are you sure it isn't one one one one?"
"No, this is eleven eleven."
"Well, wrong number. I am Harpal calling, sorry to have woken you up on the middle of the night."
"That's all right, mister. I had to get up to answer the telephone
anyway."
Jugnu Singh with two red ears went to his doctor.
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But...what happened to your other ear?"
"The scoundrel called back."
